Christmas!

A little break in Benjamin's story to share some photos of our Christmas!


This was our first Christmas in our own house. Since we moved to BC we have always traveled back to Ontario to spend the holidays with both families. We would spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at Brian's family's house and then go back to my parents house for Christmas day and night. This year, since we thought we would have a newborn baby, we had planned to just stay in BC and have Brian's family come out for the holidays. Tickets were booked already so we just went ahead with that plan. It was hard not to see my family for the holidays... okay, hard doesn't really even begin to describe it. But it was nice to not have to fly and travel and it has been nice having Brian's family here.

Our Christmas morning and day was great. Jackson had a blast! We bought him a Playschool Little Coup police car and it was a huge hit! He wouldn't even wait to unwrap the whole thing before he was climbing in 'dukes of hazzard' style. Then he played with it nonstop all day, apart from the temper tantrum when we were rude enough to make him have a nap. Without the car.

Brian's family got here in the evening and we had a scrumptious feast and then exchanged presents. It was a good day.

We thought it would be really hard since Benjamin wasn't here. It was hard, but not as bad as we were expecting. I only had a couple breakdowns, but for the most part we were able to think of him happily and just enjoy Jackson's excitement.

Here are some photos of our little man on his second Christmas!

Here is our enormous tree that we cut down ourselves (from a tree farm, not just from the side of the road, lol). We didn't realize it was going to be that full until we set it up and had to move all of our furniture to make room for it. Also notice how the ornaments have all migrated to the top half of the tree? Amazingly none of the glass balls got smashed. Jackson would just pull them off the tree and bring them to one of us, all proud of himself.


Laura, our wonderful employee at work, gave Jackson this saxophone. He loves it! There are buttons to press that will just make one sound and then others that will play an entire tune. It was a great present for him!


Jackson enjoyed opening some of the gifts, then he'd get stuck just playing with one toy and would want nothing to do with anything else, so we did end up still opening a lot of his presents. But when he would open one (like these big pop beads from Aunt Sarah) he would do so with a flourish!


Jackson was quite annoyed with me that I wouldn't let him immediately open the Thomas the Train kit. He was very interested in it and wanted to rip into the package right then and there. Once we did set it up for him he loved it. It has a little bridge that the trains can either go over or under and he thinks that is just the greatest thing.


Brian's parents got Jackson Elmo Live. Every time we saw it in the store Jackson would get all excited and want to just sit and stare at him. Actually I had been trying to teach Jackson how to blow kisses for days and he just had no interest. Then we saw Elmo do it once and Jackson was blowing kisses to everyone he saw. Once we got Elmo into our house tho Jackson was not too sure about him. In the store Elmo only does one thing (blows kisses). Once you take it off the demo version Elmo does a whole bunch of things. I think this confuses Jackson and he is a bit freaked out by it. He is starting to warm up to him and realize he's not Evil Elmo tho.


Here's Jackson in his new pj's from Gramma and Papa. When my mom was here in November she was horrified by all of Jackson's sleepers. She claims they are all too small. Just because you have to cram his feet in the too-small foot of his sleeper, then stand him up to yank them over his shoulders. I don't think this means they are too small. It just means we are getting all the use out of them that we can, right?


And here he is loving his new police car. LOL! Do you think he likes it?

The delivery

We got to our new room when it was still dark out, so it must have been before 7am. It was the last room on the labour and delivery ward and it was nice and quiet. I couldn't hear any other woman labouring and definitely couldn't hear anyone celebrating their new arrivals, so I was pleased with this.

I was scared to be in labour and scared to be about to have my baby.

My labour and delivery with Jackson was such a fantastic experience. I am one of those odd women that love giving birth. For the most part I enjoy being pregnant, but I especially love giving birth. With Jackson I only had some morphine, that was all the pain medication I wanted. I wanted to be able to feel him being born, I didn't want to be told when to push; I wanted to just let my body do what it needed to do. I felt in tune with my body more than I have ever felt before. I felt powerful and natural about it all. It was an amazing experience. And when he was born? I cannot even explain how wonderful it was. We had a mirror set up so I could see him coming out (thanks for the words of advice on that, Sarah!). It was amazing to watch him being born, to know that all the pushing, all the pain I'd been feeling was causing that. That all the hard work was paying off and I was going to be holding my precious baby soon. Then when he finally did come out and he was in my arms, it was euphoric. My doctor placed him on my chest, we announced it was a boy, and we were a family. It was the best moment of my life.

I was scared how this experience was going to compare to that. I knew it was going to be so drastically different. I knew it was going to be so intensely sad. I confided to Susan that I was scared that my baby was going to creep me out. That I would be horrified by him because he was dead. That I wouldn't want to hold him, or kiss him, because he wasn't alive. I was worried about what he would look like, what he would feel like (would he be cold?). I was worried that all I'd be able to see when I looked at him was a dead baby. Not my baby, just a dead baby. I didn't want that. I wanted to look at my newborn baby and feel the love and pride that I felt when I looked at Jackson when he was first born. I was just so scared. Susan assured me that I would feel the love, that I wouldn't see a dead baby, I would see my child. She explained that when he was born he would have some bruising (from the birth), his skin may be peeling off in spots (because he had died a few days prior and he'd been in the amniotic fluid for those days), and he may not look like a newborn since he was only 34 weeks and would not have as much fat on him as a newborn would (they believed he was only 34 weeks, not the 36 weeks we now know to be true). We went over what we wanted when the baby was born. We wanted her to clean him up as much as possible, we knew she wouldn't be able to bathe him because his skin would already be peeling. We wanted to hold him right away. Brian wanted to cut the umbilical cord. We wanted her to weigh and measure him and do the footprints. Basically we wanted it to be the same as it would be if he had been born alive.

Once we got to our new room we met our nurse. I don't remember a single thing about her. I know she told me how sorry she was for my loss. I just got used to everyone saying this to me. At this point I'd stopped responding with "It's not fair". Instead I just thanked people. What else do you do in this situation? What else is there to say?

The pain was getting intense quickly. I had already had another morphine shot and was not able to get another one for quite some time. We got the gas working again and that gave me some distraction, but it was still more painful that I remembered from Jackson's birth. I could not find a comfortable position. Every time Susan had me lay back to check me I was blinded by the pain. Labouring on my back was not an option, the only way I could get any relief was to sit up in bed. Finally I started seriously considering an epidural. It was not at all what I wanted but I had never imagined the pain to be this intense. Once it got to the point of telling Susan that I really wanted the epidural she decided to check me again. She lowered the bed again to have me lay back so she could see how far along I was and the pain intensified. I told her that I either needed the epidural or I had to push. She told me that was what she figured; she thought I must be in transition (about to give birth). As she started checking me she was prodding my stomach and I started yelling at her to stop touching me, it was hurting so badly. She checked how far I was dilated and all I heard her say was 'oh, I see a foot'.

During the ultrasound on Sunday Daisy had been head down; and had been for weeks. Apparently at some point between that ultrasound and Tuesday morning the baby had gotten flipped around and was now feet down. And now one of the little feet had started coming out already. As Susan examined me and felt the foot she announced that I could start pushing. This was it.

The pain was incredible. Every contraction hurt like hell. I've heard breech births are more difficult and more painful, but I never really understood until now. I don't know how long I pushed for; I have no clue how long the whole delivery took. I know at one point I was in a lot of pain and was tired and I asked Susan "can't you just pull it out". I regret this statement so much. I hate that I said it. I hate that I referred to my sweet baby as 'it'. I hate that I wanted her to just pull it out, like it was just some thing that I wanted to be out of me. That was not the kind of birth I wanted for Daisy. Not the kind of thing I wanted to say. She deserved so much better than such a crass hurtful statement. I know I was in pain, and the heat of the moment, and all of that, but I am so horrified by the fact that I said that.

The baby was born feet first (Footling Breech) and then the arms were over the head. It was basically the most awkward, painful birth. (I have since learned that Footling Breech births are not that common, especially in full term babies. 10-30% of all breech births are Footling, and only 1-3% of full-term births are Breech births at all.) I had forgotten to mention to Susan that I wanted the mirror set up. I remembered how glad I was that I had that during Jackson's birth and would have liked it this time too. I wish that I had seen his little feet coming out. I think it would have eased the pain a bit too as it would have given me some distraction and some incentive.

At 9:52am our baby was born. Once the baby was completely out both Brian and I looked down (I was already sitting up through the entire delivery) and got to announce "it's a boy!". It was odd. During the entire pregnancy I had been referring to the baby as Daisy. As a girl. But when I looked down and saw my son it just felt right. Just felt like 'of course it's a boy, how could it be anything else?'. Our second son was born. And he was beautiful. I did not see a dead baby. I was not horrified by him, or creeped out by him. He was my son and all I felt was love.

During the last 2 days Brian and I had talked about names. We had always knew what name we wanted to name Daisy if she was a girl. But once we learned that our baby had died we knew we couldn't use that name anymore (and no, we are not sharing what that name was!). It's not that we were going to save the name for any future daughters, it's more that the name just wasn't right for Daisy anymore. We knew that if Daisy was a girl the only name that would be perfect for her was 'Daisy'. She was our Daisy and always would be. But if 'she' was a boy, then what? We had never agreed on a boy's name. We had no clue what name to chose. We had both always loved the name Benjamin. When I was pregnant with Jackson we considered that name but I had researched it in baby books and we quickly vetoed it. I read that in the bible Rachel gave birth to Benjamin but it was a difficult delivery and she died shortly after childbirth. We decided this was just a little to much of a bad omen. On Monday I had brought the name up again to Brian. I told him that the situation was already horrible, it couldn't get much worse than the fact that our baby was already dead. He got a bit annoyed at me for that, reminding me that it still could get much worse. But we agreed. If Daisy was a boy we would name him Benjamin, but we were not allowed to say the name again until after the delivery and I was okay. For the middle name we decided on two family names. I wanted William since on my dad's side of the family all the men are named only 2 of 3 names; James (which is Jackson's middle name), Ross, or William. I wanted Benjamin to carry on this tradition. Then we also wanted to honour Brian's granddad who had passed away. His name was Brian Herbert. We didn't want to use Brian so we agreed on Herbert. So our Daisy became Benjamin William Herbert.

So after Benjamin was born and Brian had cut the umbilical cord, Susan took him to the other side of the room to clean him up. While she did this I finished with the whole birthing process (placenta and all that nasty stuff). Susan weighed him (6 pounds 3 ounces) and measured him. He was 24" long. This was an amazing length. When Jackson was born he was in the higher percentile for length and he was only around 21.5". Benjamin was way off the charts. From his weight, length and head circumference Susan decided he was actually 36 weeks, instead of the 34 weeks she had believed. Even for 36 weeks he was off the charts for length. Even for full term he would have been off the charts. He was a very tall baby.

Susan brought him to us to hold. He was gorgeous. He looked so much like Jackson. He had his chin and his forehead. His nose was a perfect combination of Brian and me. We couldn't see his eyes, he was born with them closed and we didn't want to open them. He had adorable little ears and perfect fingers and toes. Oh, his toes. They were so perfect.

It was bittersweet. It was so surreal to hold him. He was done. He was fully cooked. It just wasn't right at all. He didn't look premature. He didn't look like there was anything wrong with him. Sure, his skin was bruised and peeling in spots (really only his belly tho). But his cheeks were so chubby!

We held him for a long time in that room. Susan and the nurse had left to give us some time with Benjamin. We were holding him at 11am when the moment of silence for Rememberance Day was announced over the hospital speakers. I can't even think of what to say about that. Here we were holding our son who was just born still and we knew all over the hospital everyone was stopping what they were doing to have a moment of silence for people who had passed away. It was right, but also so wrong. I didn't want to share this moment with anyone. I didn't want his birthday to be so closely associated with death and grieving. It just wasn't right. I know I will always associate his birthday with the day of his death; there is no way around that. But in my mind he died a few days before, this was only the day of his birth. He may not have been born alive, but he was born this day.

This is all I can type today. It is after midnight here and I am tired and now I am sad. But strangely also happy. I like remembering him and remembering the first time I got to see him. He is my son and although he was not born kicking and screaming I still got to hold him and kiss him and love him.

I will follow up as soon as I can with the rest of his birth day. I am including some photos here of him. You can't see him too well in these photos, they are more of Brian and I holding him. Next post (probably) I will share some beautiful photos of our sweet Benjamin.

The induction

Okay. I know many of you are checking here often for new updates. I know it has taken quite a while to update and that's because each post takes so long for me to do and is also emotionally difficult sometimes. Plus, I only really update while Jackson is napping! We'll see how much I get done today.

Oh, I didn't post the photos in the last post but on Sunday night I got Brian to take some photos of me. These were the only photos I had taken of me pregnant this time. I regret that now. Through the entire pregnancy I felt fat and depressed about my weight. I felt that I just looked enormous, not pregnant. So I avoided having any photos done. When I was pregnant with Jackson I took a picture of myself every couple weeks, I was excited to see the changes in my body. This is just one more regret I have about my pregnancy with Daisy. I don't feel I enjoyed it enough. Anyways, here's one of the only pregnancy photos I have of myself with Daisy.

So we went to sleep Sunday night wondering when labour would start. The nurses had given me two sleeping pills to make sure I got a good nights sleep and was ready for whatever the next day brought. The pills worked their magic and I was able to sleep pretty soundly until I woke up in the morning to the sound of my neighbour's baby's heartbeat echoing through the room. Not a good way to wake up.

I don't remember a lot of the day. I'm not sure if it's because it was over a month ago now, or if it's because I have blocked a lot of it out to protect myself. Whatever the reason all I know is that Monday was a long difficult day.

At 9am Susan came back to check on me and the induction was starting to work a bit. She decided to put in another Cervidil at that point. I was starting to dilate (only a fingertip dilated tho). She felt this should get things moving a bit more quickly.

My parents came by a while later and I was still only slightly crampy and not really in labour. Tania came back with Jackson in the late morning and visited for a little while. It was great to see Jackson again. I had missed him and needed to see his smiley happy little face. He had had a blast at Tania's house playing with Kai and even learned new tricks (how to jump!).

Brian and my dad had to go out to work for a little while so my mom and Jackson stayed to keep me company. We went for a walk outside for a bit. I couldn't walk too much because the cramping was starting to get a little more painful and it was tiring me out. Once we got back to my room Jackson was in desperate need for a nap so my mom walked him around a bit and we turned a music station on the tv. It was country, which seemed like a good idea at the time. Jackson ended up falling asleep in my mom's arms (I don't know how she does it!) so she laid him down in bed with me and we all ended up having a bit of a nap. It was fantastic to snuggle with Jackson. Definitely something I needed. The only problem was the music! How come all country music is about people dying and sadness!?! It didn't help that the station was having some Rememberance Day tribute to soldiers. And the tv was out of my reach so I couldn't change the station, so instead I laid in bed with snot and tears dripping into Jackson's hair. But don't we look cozy?


After Jackson and my parents left for the day Brian and I settled in for the evening. I was still cramping, but not thinking things were really moving along all that well. The cramping was more constant and I was getting more uncomfortable, but nothing to tell me I would be giving birth any time soon. We ate dinner and then started watching tv.

At 8pm I was on the phone talking to one of my 'fake friends' (Marcella) and started getting even more uncomfortable. By the time I got off the phone around 8:30 I mentioned to Brian that I thought I might be really going into labour.

This is where I completely lose track of time.

We decided to go for a walk to see if we could speed things up. It worked and the contractions started getting quite a bit more painful. At one point I was standing in the hall just outside our room and got a contraction. I leaned on Brian for this one and one of the nurses came over. She said that she would call Susan and let her know labour was starting. I lost it at this point. I started bawling that I didn't want it to start. I didn't want to give birth to a dead baby. I didn't want my baby to come out, I wanted Daisy to stay in there. It was as if once she was born then it would all be real. It was just too much.

Susan came by and checked me. I was 2 cm dilated. Things were starting. I was able to labour in my room for as long as possible. At one point I was told that I would be staying in my room to give birth too, then they told me I would be moved to labour and delivery for the actual birth. I wasn't sure which option I liked better. I liked the option of staying in my room because I didn't want to go to l&d and hear all the other women giving birth and hearing the baby's first cry and the celebrations that followed. But then I also didn't want to give birth in that room and scare the other poor women that were on bedrest in the next room. Plus I didn't want to have to spend the next few days in the same room that Daisy was born in.

Throughout my entire labour I tried to keep as calm as possible. I kept telling myself to stay calm for Daisy. That Daisy deserved a calm, relaxed birth. There was too much sadness and stress already, labour and the actual birth should not add to that. I told Brian to tell me to stay calm for Daisy any time I started getting worked up. It worked like a charm. I was able to stay quite calm and relaxed for a very long time. At one point (maybe around 4am?) both Brian and I were exhausted so we both got in my tiny hospital bed and tried to get some rest. We ended up falling asleep (oh yeah, I was on morphine at this point). I woke up for each contraction but they had become very mild. This concerned me because I was worried that labour was stalling. Susan came back into the room a while later and I mentioned this to her. She decided to check me again and I was still only 2 cm dilated. Labour was slowing down. We decided that we would go for a walk to try to speed it up again. I walked the hospital halls for a while and then went back to figure out what to do.

Susan gave us the options of: a) letting labour continue on it's own, which could mean it would take a long time if it was slowing down; b) breaking my water, which should speed things up a lot; or c) starting pitocin. I didn't want to start pitocin. I've heard too many horror stories about how painful pitocin labours can be. I didn't want to let labour continue on it's own because I just wanted to give birth! So we decided that she would break my water.

Wow! That worked like a charm. Very shortly after my waters were broken the contractions started getting much more intense. They were painful and I was having a hard time staying calm for Daisy. I still did not want to get an epidural. I was determined to keep this as close to our original plan as possible. Susan brought in the gas (I have no clue what it is) for me to breath in during contractions. I'm not sure if it actually helped with the pain or if it just gave me something else to concentrate on during each contraction.

There was this horrible picture (artwork?) in my room that we had joked about since I was first brought to that room. During labour I was able to focus on the picture and it took my mind off some of the discomfort because we would make fun of how silly the picture is. What in the world does "flower of tulips" mean??


Anyways... We got moved to the l&d ward once labour had progressed a lot. I think they moved me partly for the sake of the other patients on the antepartum ward. It has to be hard to be on hospital bedrest, fearing for the health of your unborn children, and hear a woman going into labour with a baby that has died in the womb. I am glad they moved me for that reason. Plus the room at the end of the l&d ward was free, so I wouldn't be right in the middle of other happy deliveries. I was okay with being moved.

I decided to walk to my new room. I did not want to be wheeled there. I was hoping that walking there would speed things along a little bit more. The last time I was checked I think I was only 4-5 cm.

And now Jackson is awake so I have to end this post here. The next chance I have will be all about the birth. And yes, there will be photos of us with Benjamin.

Sunday November 9th

I don't think I am going to be able to do this in only 3 parts. There is too much to tell. I don't want to miss any important details or memories. I want to do the story right.

Today's post is only going to be about Sunday, November 9th. The day our lives changed so drastically.

The day started off well. We slept in a little while, letting Jackson play in his crib. I realized, while I laid there, that I hadn't felt Daisy moving that morning. Normally the baby was really active late at night and then again in the morning. I would lie in bed and feel all the rolls, kicks, punches and acrobatics. This morning I hadn't felt them. Then I wondered if I had felt them last night at all and didn't think so. Brian got me some juice and I drank that and then laid down on my left side. I remembered reading somewhere that if you hadn't felt the baby moving in a while to drink juice and lie on your left side, that would wake the baby up. So as I laid there Brian went and had a shower. When he came back into the bedroom he asked if Daisy had moved yet. I said no and that I wasn't sure what to do. He told me not to mess around with this and to call Susan. I was hesitant to call her. It was only around 8:15am. I didn't want to wake Susan up for a false alarm. I felt like I was over-reacting, that I was being a drama queen. I just did not think that anything would really be wrong. It was just me being a worrier.

I called Susan and told her that I hadn't felt Daisy move in a while. I wasn't sure when the last time I felt movement was. She told me she would be over around 9am. I went and had a shower and threw some comfy clothes on. While we waited for Susan Brian and I talked about what we were going to do that day. We planned on going to Mom's Diner for breakfast and then putting the nursery together. We had just bought the crib and dresser on Friday and were looking forward to getting the room all done. So far it was still Jackson's playroom and we were kind of worried about how he would react to losing his second room. We were going to put the crib and dresser together and leave Jackson's toys in there for a while. We would transition the room from a playroom to Daisy's nursery slowly.

Susan got to our house and I laid down on our couch so she could listen for Daisy's heartbeat. She tried for about 10-15 minutes. At one point she thought she found it so she grabbed my wrist. Nope, it was my heartbeat, just beating very fast. I started crying because I was terrified that maybe I wasn't just being a drama queen. I really truly thought I was. While she was checking I swear I could feel Daisy moving. I even said to Susan "oh see, I just had to call you and she starts moving again, just to prove me wrong." Susan was worried. No, she was beyond worried. I think she was positive at that point that Daisy had no heartbeat. She told us to meet her at the hospital and she would check with their machines. Apparently they would be able to detect things that her equipment couldn't.

We got Jackson ready to go, called Tania to meet us at the hospital to look after Jackson, and headed to the hospital. We were both worried, but not to the point that we thought things were that bad. On the drive I asked Brian what percentage of him thought something was really wrong. Neither of us thought it was that likely. Once we got to the hospital we had to decide how long to get for parking. Brian thought we would only need an hour or two. I thought we should just get the 4 hour pass. How long could it take just to check me?

Susan was waiting for us at labour and delivery. Tania wasn't there yet so we all headed into the assessment room. Right away Susan got the fetal heart rate monitors out. She didn't strap them onto me, she just held them to my belly. She searched around for a while and still couldn't find anything. She started telling me she was sorry. I told her that at home when she was checking I could have sworn I felt Daisy moving. She told me that it was probably just the baby being pushed around from her pushing on my belly. Then she told me she was going to go and get the OB and the ultrasound machine.

I think at this point it was sort of starting to sink in for both of us. We new things were not looking good and we were getting scared.

I'm not sure of the order of things or the times of things, to be honest a lot of Sunday is a bit of a blur to me. I know the general order so that's what I'm going with here. It doesn't really matter anyway.

Tania got to the hospital right at the same time that the OB came into my room. Brian had taken Jackson out to see Tania, so he wasn't in the room for the ultrasound. When the OB, Dr.Miles, came into the room he immediately told me he was sorry for my loss. Susan told him that I still had hope, that I thought I had felt the baby move when she was checking me at home. He told me that the ultrasound isn't a diagnostic tool, that it is just used to "confirm what we already know to be true". And with that he hooked up the ultrasound and right away brought up an image of Daisy's face. Then he moved down to the chest and showed me the heart. "No heart activity" is all he said. Just like that. "No heart activity". Then he told me he was sorry and started putting the machine away. I told him to wait, that he had to show Brian, that someone had to get Brian into the room. I was starting to panic. I didn't know what to do with this information. How could my baby be dead? How could this have happened to Daisy? Brian came back into the room and Dr.Miles right away told him he was sorry for our loss, then brought up the image again. Again he pointed to the heart and told us there was no movement. We asked him to see what gender Daisy was. We wanted to know now. There was no sense in waiting for the birth, I wanted to know right then if I was going to have a boy or a girl. It didn't make a difference, I just wanted to know so that we could prepare and just so we could know. I wanted to think of Daisy as s/he was for this last while. I didn't want to keep saying "if Daisy's a boy" or "if Daisy's a girl". It didn't matter tho, Daisy's legs were together and we couldn't see.

Dr.Miles wiped the gel off my belly and put the machine away. Then he and Susan left the room. It was then that it fully sunk in. I started sobbing and yelling "It's not fair". Brian was trying to hold me but I was beating on his chest and just crying. I can't even describe the despair and hurt I felt at that moment. It was horrible. Nothing in my life has compared to the heartache that I felt in that room. My Daisy was dead. Inside of me. I had to give birth to my baby and I would never see her grow up. I would never see her smile. Never hear her talk. All the dreams and hopes and expectations that we had built up over the last 8 months were gone. Now we had to deal with this new reality, this new life. And it sucked.

I was going to be admitted to the hospital to get induced. We were given the option of being admitted right then or going home for a bit to get things organized and then come back. I wanted to get the process started right away. Brian went out of the room after a bit to get Tania and Jackson so that she could take him to her house for the night. Tania was so wonderful. She hugged me and talked to me for a while about everything. I was so thankful that she was there that day. Whenever I had thought about being in the hospital having Daisy my main fear was what we were going to do with Jackson. I was apprehensive about leaving him with anyone. He had only been left with family or Katie before and we didn't know how he would react. Luckily he really likes Tania and we are very comfortable with her. She took him to her house that night and we were not worried about him at all. I was so pleased with that, it was relieving not to have that extra worry. We knew he was in good hands and most likely having a blast with Kai.

I called my parents after Jackson left and asked my Mom to come to BC. This was one of those times that a person just really needs her Mommy. My parents were shocked by the news and I could hear their despair and sadness. I needed them here with me.

We met Susan back in the assessment room and a lab technician was waiting for us. I had to have blood drawn. I'm still not sure what all the blood was drawn for. I'm assuming to check for blood antibodies, iron levels, etc. At that point I would have cut off an arm if they told me I had to. The lab tech was a very kind woman. She whispered to me that she was so sorry for my loss. I just cried and whispered back that it wasn't fair. She agreed and then told me that her sister had lost a baby too. She was pregnant with twins and found out that one of them had died the day before they were born. She told me that she likes to think that when a baby dies in the womb that it means the body just wasn't right for them. That are up in heaven waiting for the next chance, the next body that is right for them. That gave me some comfort for a while.

Somehow we ended up in our new room over in the antepartum wing. I do not remember getting to that room. I don't know if I walked there, if I was wheeled there (I doubt it tho). I really do not remember getting there or getting into the bed. This room was a double room but I did not have a roommate and would not have one the entire time I was there. This room was designated for people in my 'situation'. The problem (one of a few) with this room was that I had to share a bathroom with the adjoining room. Because of this I could hear a lot from their room. Brian and I went for a walk around the hospital Sunday night and when we got back to the room all I could hear was the sound of a baby's heartbeat. The patient next door had the fetal heartrate monitor hooked up and it was loud and echoing in my room. It was horrible and cruel. The nurses said it has to be that loud because they need to be able to hear it at the nurses station.

Around 1pm Susan came in to start the induction. She inserted some Cervidil which should get my body started in the labour process. I'll leave out all the details on all of this. And this is also where times and details get a little fuzzy.

Now all we had to do was wait. Brian and I hung out at the hospital all afternoon. He went home at one point to get some stuff for me. I didn't have a hospital bag packed or anything. It never occurred to me that I would need one. I thought I was only 34 weeks pregnant. I thought I had weeks still before I needed to get to that task.

In the early evening Brian went out to work for a bit to get stuff ready so that he wouldn't have to go back the next day. While Brian was gone Dr.Miles came back to talk to me. He told me that, so far, there was no reason for why Daisy's heart had stopped. There didn't appear to be any cord problems. He went on to tell me that we may never know the cause, we could have an autopsy done but answers may never be found. He also told me that vaginal birth was the best choice for stillbirths. That it's really not recommended to do a c-section because the recovery time is longer and if/when I have another baby I'd be more likely to need a c-section again (vaginal births after c-sections are thought to be riskier). I was fine with all of that. I did NOT want a c-section. He also told me that when the time came, I might want to get an epidural. I had been planning on having a natural birth. With Jackson I had a bit of morphine and that's all I wanted this time too. Dr.Miles said that with a normal birth all the endorphins and excitement of meeting your baby help to dull the physical pain a bit. In the case of a stillbirth you won't have that, so the pain might seem stronger. It was something to keep in mind.

Brian left to go to the airport to pick up my mom. I called him around the time she was supposed to land to make sure she got there okay. He surprised me by telling me that they got there fine. My dad had decided to come too. I was so pleased to hear that. I had been worried about my mom flying by herself. I could only picture her sitting on the plane sad and crying by herself. I was happy to have both my mom and dad coming to be with me. They got to the hospital in the late evening and sat with us in my room for a bit. Then they went to their condo for the night.

So far I had been having some very light cramping, but nothing implying labour was imminent. We decided to go to sleep for the night and see what tomorrow would bring.

Part 1b - The Pregnancy

Okay, so they decided that my dates were wrong. I was only 10.5 weeks instead of 12.5 (I rechecked the dates and the last post I wrote was incorrect). I was disappointed that I basically lost 2 weeks of my pregnancy, but relieved that Daisy was okay. I didn't realize until that day how badly I wanted this baby. Up until then I was happy to be pregnant, but really worried at the same time. I had been questioning whether this was what I really wanted, was this the right time to be pregnant? But when I thought I had miscarried I was so upset, I wanted the baby to be okay so badly. I didn't care if the timing was right, or if I would be pregnant while being the mommy of a rambunctious toddler. I just wanted my Daisy to be okay.

That weekend we flew home to Ontario for Jackson's first birthday party. So many people came to the party and Jackson had so much fun! We wanted to just shout out the news that we were going to have another baby, we wanted everyone to know and everyone to be excited about it. But at the same time we wanted that day to be just about Jackson. We didn't want his very first birthday party to be about anything but him. It was his special day and he deserved all the attention.

After everyone but my parents, Brian's parents and Brian's grandma left we dressed Jackson in his t-shirt. He had just woken up from a nap and was being really clingy so he wouldn't walk into the room to surprise everyone with the message on his shirt. Finally we coaxed him to do it and our Moms read the shirt. Everyone was excited by the news, but I still think we were most excited just to finally be able to share our joy! Keeping it a secret is so hard!

The next few weeks went by without much of a hitch. Daisy cooked away, I got increasingly uncomfortable and grumpy, lol. Jackson stayed oblivious to the fact that I was growing a little sibling for him to play with. Really, kids should just know these things and sleep longer, nap better, play quieter, etc. But no such luck.

I went for my routine ultrasound at one day shy of 18 weeks. They want you to go for this scan between 18 and 22 weeks. They were basing my dates on my original due date when they made the appointment, so they thought I was one day shy of 20 weeks, which was the optimal time for the scan. When I got there and they realized how far along I only was they decided to go ahead with the ultrasound, but warned us that they might not be able to get all the views they needed. Daisy was really active during the scan and we were able to see so much! We made sure to tell the technician that we didn't want to know the gender, so during those views we had to look away. Brian was mainly the one that didn't want to know. I desperately wanted to know if Daisy was a boy or a girl, but I also knew that if I did find out I would instantly regret it. I like the suspense of not knowing, and that moment when you have the baby and get to hear "it's a....". Plus what difference would it make?

We were in that ultrasound room for quite a while and they were able to see everything but didn't get all the shots of the heart that they needed. At my follow up appointment with Susan (my midwife) she told me that it was up to me whether or not I wanted to go back for another ultrasound to get more views of the heart. She told me that the radiologist was happy enough with the images that they got. It was a no brainer. Of course I wanted to go back for another ultrasound (remember, I am a worrier by nature, lol).

I am so glad I went back! The next ultrasound was done when I was 22.5 weeks and Daisy was quite a bit bigger. Brian wasn't able to go with me to this scan since he had to stay with Jackson (children aren't allowed in the ultrasound room). The technician that I had at this appointment was fantastic! She took her time to show me everything and point out everything! She showed me every inch of Daisy (okay, except the 'bits' since Brian made me promise to tell her I didn't want to know the gender). She even showed me a 4D image of Daisy's face, which was a little creepy, lol. I had told her that at our previous ultrasound we weren't able to get any good profile pictures because Daisy was camera shy and kept moving. This fantastic tech spent forever trying to get some good profile shots for me (which she did!). She also got some great pictures of Daisy's hands, feet, legs, and nose/lips. She was only supposed to be checking the heart, but she told me that she figures since she is doing the scan anyways she may as well check everything. I'm glad she did, I got fifteen ultrasound photos of Daisy! And I got to watch my baby moving around and being so lively.

Every midwife appointment I had went well. When I was pregnant with Jackson I had high blood pressure and I was worried that my blood pressure would go up with this pregnancy too. I was also worried about blood incompatibility issues. My biggest fear through this entire pregnancy was that Daisy would develop severe jaundice when s/he was born and be rushed to the Special Care Nursery (SCN), like Jackson was. I knew I could handle it better this time, and I knew I would be proactive and demand bilirubin tests from the moment s/he was born until we were discharged from the hospital. But of course, that fear was still there. The fear that my baby would need special care and I wouldn't be able to keep her/him in my room with me. It was so hard when Jackson was taken to the SCN and I did not want to have to go through that heartache again.

Luckily my blood pressure remained at the high end of normal. I never had to go on any medication, I didn't have to be monitored closer, I didn't have to limit my sodium intake. I got my blood antibodies rechecked around 28 weeks and I still had no antibodies. I got my rhogam shot around 32 weeks (going with a December 18th due date). This shot was late, I was supposed to get it at 28 weeks, but wasn't sent for it in time (this wasn't an issue tho). Everything with the pregnancy was going along just perfectly.

Daisy wasn't a very active baby. S/he would mostly kick and roll when I was lying in bed at night or first thing in the morning. I would joke to Brian that already the kids were ganging up on me. Daisy would keep me up at night with her/his acrobatics and Jackson would wake me up early. But I loved feeling Daisy kicking and rolling. Every night when I put Jackson to bed I would sit back in the rocking chair and Jackson would curl up over my giant belly and I would sing them two bedtime songs, Douglas Mountain and Mr.Moon. Most nights Daisy would start kicking Jackson like s/he was annoyed that Jackson was crowding her/him. The first couple times Jackson was a little disturbed by it and couldn't figure out what was happening, but soon he just got used to it, lol. I loved these moments.

I searched for the perfect bedding set for Daisy. I found the one I wanted but it was too expensive so I decided to sew my own. I found the perfect material and found a pattern. I was only going to make the crib bumpers, crib skirt and a quilt. I worked on them every day while Jackson napped. I would sew, watch Baby Story on TLC, and feel Daisy rolling and kicking (I think the sound of the sewing machine would wake her/him up). I managed to finish the crib skirt fairly quickly, but the bumpers were a pain to make! I actually finished them the weekend before the birth. The quilt is still unfinished.
There is this group of women from all over the States (and one in Canada) that I chat with online every day. They are my 'fake friends' my '60 year old men'. I have shared so many details of my pregnancy with them that they all feel a certain bond to Daisy. One day I complained to them that I never had a baby shower for Jackson and wasn't going to have one for Daisy either. That, since all my family and the majority of my friends lived far away from me, I didn't feel there were many people around me who were excited about this baby. I felt a little alone and sad. Do you know what these wonderful women did? They secretly all emailed each other (numerous times I imagine) and put together a baby shower in a box. They sent me three big boxes of presents. They had all bought them and sent them to one women, who then put it all together and sent them to me. I got the boxes on November 5th and got to enjoy a little baby shower! It was such a thoughtful thing and I loved every minute (and every present!). It was so fantastic to know that these women, these 'fake friends' that I had never met in person, cared about me and Daisy so much that they did this for us. I was truly touched.


Our biggest issue was trying to decide on a name. We had a girl's name picked (sorry Becki, it was not going to be Daisy, lol). And we had the middle name chosen. But if Daisy ended up being a boy we had no clue what we were going to call him. I was constantly emailing Brian ideas on boy's names. He was no help, he would reply with snide comments about my choices. A perfect example was when I emailed him a list and he replied with the following:

Timothy (Tiny Tim)
Asher (is that a name?)
Colby (Cheese)
Nigel (Really?!?)
Zachary (I don’t like that one)

See how much help he was? So we still couldn't come up with a name (this list was from the end of September, but it really did not get any better, lol). We were so sure that Daisy would be a girl tho that we weren't that worried.

I'm sure I'm forgetting important aspects of this pregnancy. Things I know I want to remember. But the thing is, the pregnancy wasn't all that noteworthy. It was a perfect pregnancy. There were no major issues, no causes for alarm, nothing to 'write home about'. Everything went well. Every checkup was good. Daisy's heart beat was always strong, I was measuring right on track. We were looking good.

Until November 9th...

Part 1a - The pregnancy

We found out I was pregnant in April of 2008. We kept going back and forth between wanting to start 'trying' around Christmas of 2007 and starting around Jackson's first birthday (May 2008). I had gone to the doctor in February to discuss getting pregnant since I had blood incompatibility issues with Jackson. When he was born he had severe jaundice and we were told it was because I am O- and he is A+. We were told I must have antibodies built up and therefore we might run into problems with future pregnancies. We spoke to Jackson's pediatrician and he told us that we should be able to get pregnant fine, but that we might have issues during the second or third trimester, that the baby might need to have in interuterin blood transfusion, that I might have to deliver early, and other scary prospects. I made an appointment with my family doctor to discuss these concerns. He did not have any experience with these issues since he is not a maternity doctor. He told me he would research it and make a follow up appointment to discuss what he found out. So a few weeks later (back to February) I went back to see him. He told me that my chances of having any more children were 'very bleak'. That my body has the blood antibodies and so the chances of even being able to get pregnant were slim. But then he told me to be thankful I have Jackson and that he is such a joy. I left that appointment thinking he was a quack. I had already spoken to some other people about this and knew he wasn't right. It still was upsetting to hear someone say those things tho.

I called his office the next day and asked to be referred to a high risk OB/GYN. I wanted a second opinion from someone who has a little more knowledge than what he read in the scary case studies. We went to see Dr.Hudson a few weeks later. Dr.Hudson is the God of Fertility doctors in Victoria. People come from all over to see him. I was happy to be going to him. During our first visit we were told that a simple blood test would tell me if I have any antibodies. That's all I needed. If I did have the antibodies then we would deal with that, if not then we should have no problems. I got the blood test done and at our follow appointment with Dr.Hudson we found out that I have no antibodies! There should be no issues with blood incompatibility during the pregnancy. I should have a normal pregnancy, like I did with Jackson.

I got pregnant about a month later. We had not really been meaning to get pregnant when we did. When I was pregnant with Jackson we referred to him as Bob. Brian chose that name. There was no meaning behind it, it was just a simple name that seemed to stick. This time we referred to the little one growing inside of me as Daisy. As in Oops-a-Daisy. I questioned whether this was a good name or a bad name. What would we tell this child when they were older and wanted to know why we called him/her Daisy while I was pregnant? But Daisy stuck. Soon everyone we knew was asking us how Daisy was.

At first I was terrified. I was scared to be pregnant while also having such a rambunctious, 'spirited' toddler. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to give Jackson the attention he needed while I was pregnant. I was scared that he would miss out on things. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to love two children enough. I already loved Jackson so much it hurt sometimes. How could I love another baby that much too?

Then I got more used to the idea. I started looking forward to having two kids so close in age. They would play together well and they would be such good friends (that's what I hoped anyways, lol). Jackson would be a fantastic big brother. He would teach Daisy so many things.

We had a flight booked for June 1st to go to Ontario for Jackson's first birthday. We were planning on telling our families all about Daisy after the birthday party. We had bought Jackson a t-shirt that said 'oh boy I'm going to be a big brother'. He was going to be the one to tell everyone about Daisy. We were excited.


Before we left I made an appointment with Susan, my midwife. I was just about 12 weeks pregnant and I wanted to hear Daisy's heart beat before we told everyone. I had heard Jackson's heartbeat at 9 weeks, but so far had not heard Daisy's. I was a little worried (since I was already paranoid about everything with this pregnancy, y'know being a worrier by nature, lol). Susan tried to find the heartbeat and couldn't. She tried for at least 5 minutes. Then she asked me how sure I was about my dates. I told her I was very sure. She poked around at my belly and then told me that she was going to make me a same-day ultrasound. She was worried. My belly wasn't measuring at 11.5 weeks, and it was odd not to be able to find the heart beat yet. She told me that either my dates were wrong (which I was insistent on being correct) or I had had a miscarriage. She obviously believed I had miscarried, and she was preparing me for that.

Brian came with me to the ultrasound. I was terrified. As I laid on the exam table and the ultrasound tech got the image up on the screen I think I held my breath the entire time. In a minute an image of Daisy filled the screen. I started crying and asked her if she could tell if the baby was okay. She told me that she couldn't tell from this image, she would have to do 'the other kind of ultrasound' (don't worry, I'll leave those details out). Just then Daisy jumped around and flung her arms out. She was okay. I started bawling, I was so relieved. The ultrasound tech got some more images for us and checked everything out. Daisy was fine, just a lot smaller than expected. They told me my dates were wrong. That I was actually only 9.5 weeks, not 11.5. Two weeks less. That put my due date at December 18th, when I had been believing it was December 4th.

More to follow later.... Jackson is awake and calling for me, lol!

Thank you.

Through all the dark sad days we have faced in the last 16 days we have been very touched by the wonderful support and kind words from everyone. The main sentiment seems to be "I don't know what to say" and that is the best thing to say. No one knows what to say, I don't even know what to say! There is nothing that can be said that can ease our pain or bring our sweet Benjamin back. Just knowing that so many people are thinking about us and our perfect little baby is all we need. That is what is helping us to make it through these days.

In the next few days I am hoping to be able to post the story of Benjamin. It will be sad and it will be long, but it will also be happy and filled with so much love. It will be the story of a baby's death but it will also be the story of a baby's birth. One cannot happen without the other in this story. It's sad and it doesn't seem fair, but that's how it is. Benjamin never got the chance to live outside of my body, but he was loved just the same. He is our son, and he always will be.

I will also be posting photos of him. They were taken by a photographer here in Victoria (Heather Armstrong: www.heatherphoto.ca) who is a volunteer with an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org ). Heather came to the hospital the afternoon that Benjamin was born and took beautiful photos for us to remember Benjamin by. They are truly a priceless gift that we will cherish forever. This organization is a charitable one and I am so glad I found out about them when I did.

So, take this post as a warning that I am going to update my blog and there will be photos. They are beautiful photos, but you may find them too sad to look at. Yes, they are photos of our son who has passed away. But they are photos of my son just the same. I want people to see him, to see how beautiful he is/was. To see how much he looked like his brother and his daddy (although I think he had my nose!). I want you to see how much he is/was loved. And I want to share his story. The story of his birth, the story of getting to finally meet this little baby who was kicking me for 9 months. And yes, the story of saying goodbye to him.

We love you Benjamin William Herbert Hussain. You will always be our sweet little baby. We wish we got to spend more time with you, but cherish the time we did get.

Pumpkin patch and Goldstream Park

We went to the pumpkin patch yesterday. We decided to go to a different patch than we normally go to. This one has a hayride, haunted house, petting farm, corn maze, train ride, and of course the pumpkin patch. When we got there we discovered that the only things that were free were the hayride and the pumpkin patch! The rest were about $10 per adult each! Jackson would have been free. We are lucky that this year we could get away with not doing any of those things. I'm sure next year Jackson will figure it out and pitch a fit if we don't do at least one of those things, lol.

Jackson's favorite part of the day was the hayride. The idea is that the tractor brings people out to the pumpkin patch, then they pick out their pumpkins, pay for them and catch another hayride back to the main buildings. So onto the hayride we get. Jackson was fascinated by the tractor and intently watched it the whole time. We got out to the pumpkin patch and everybody had to get off. As soon as Jacksons feet touched the ground he tried to pivot back and run back up the ramp back onto the wagon! He couldn't care less about the pumpkins, he just wanted to ride that hayride all day. Meanies that we are, we wouldn't let him get back on the wagon and instead forced him to look at some pumpkins.


The pumpkin patch was quite dry and a lot of the pumpkins were either green still or mushy. But there were a lot of good ones too. We finally picked a medium sized one to buy. Jackson loved running all over the patch. Brian kept trying to tell him that he's not really an all-terrain kid yet, since he kept getting his feet caught in the pumpkin vines. Then he'd get dirt on his hands and come over to one of us with his hands out waiting for us to wipe the offending dirt off of them.


Jackson was not really interested in carrying any of the pumpkins, or really even touching them. He just wanted to be free and run around!


After the pumpkin patch we headed over to Goldstream Park to find out if the salmon were spawning yet and to check out the fall leaves. The salmon weren't there yet and we learned that since we haven't had tons of rain yet the fish are still waiting downstream for more rain. Plus, apparently, they don't really start attempting their swim until it gets darker. Who knew?


I tried to get some photos of Jackson either in the leaves or at least holding one of the enormous leaves but he would NOT cooperate. He just wanted to either throw the leaves or find some good rocks.
It was a good day out in nature. It was about 12 degrees and sunny at the pumpkin patch, but overcast at the park, which was fine since we were in the trees anyway. Jackson just loves running around and exploring. He even jumped in his first puddle! He's never shown any interest in puddles before. That meant he had to have the whole car ride home in just his sweater and diaper. His shoes and jeans were soaked and filthy! Such a little boy.

Two in one day!

We went to visit Katie, Luke and Ethan on Saturday. I can't believe how big Ethan has gotten! He's going to be 18 months in a few days and he's looking like such a boy now (as opposed to a baby, not a girl, lol). It was great to see them again and the boys played so well together. Ethan was scolding Jackson every time he did something that he isn't allowed to do! They even tried to give each other hugs. Too cute!



Can you believe they were both once this small? This photo was taken in July of 2007. Little cuties!

Has it really been almost a month?!?

I guess my original goal of updating my blog almost daily did not pan out, lol! I think part of my problem is that I feel I have to have photos to accompany anything I write on here. And lets face it, I'm too lazy to constantly download photos. That and we really don't do that many exciting things to take photos of!

So here's a quick recap.

Jackson is signing up a storm lately! He signs more, milk, all done, eat and water. The other day he actually signed more milk (his sippy was empty). Impressive! Here he is signing more.


He's also started talking more.
- He can say Dada like a champ, and likes to say it as loudly as possible when he thinks there is the slight possibility of seeing Daddy (ie: every time we get in the car and drive for more than 5 minutes).
- He also says bang, when he hears anything resembling this noise (which includes someone sneezing, lol).
- Another favorite word is hi, or hi there. He's been saying this for a while now. I think it's probably his first word (bad mommy and daddy couldn't really decide what or when he said his first word!).
- Then there is all done, which sounds more like ah dah. Or also all gone, which sounds like ah gah.
- Oh, and we can't forget Kitty cat (kay-key). Which is now morphed into just kiky. This squealed while running full force at them.
- He can also say key. We walk down to the mailbox together and I let him carry the keys for the last little bit. Then he gets to unlock the mailbox (with A LOT of help from mommy). When we get to the point where I usually hand him the keys he now stops, turns around to me, and demands the key (which he says very clearly).
- And the newest (and cutest) one is blankie (which actually sounds a lot like blankie, bain-key). He will chant this every time we go upstairs until he manages to finagle it out of his crib. Then he drags that poor bain-key everywhere!
- He also tries to say cheese, yogurt, cracker and cookie. But these aren't as clear yet.

Other than the language breakthrough not too much has changed. He's still as active as ever and learning new daredevil things. Brian taught him to climb up a little stepstool/ladder that we have. Fantastic. He can climb up it like a pro, but then cannot get down. So he just stands there and whines and yells until one of us goes and gets him down. At which point he promptly climbs back up it.



The only other thing was that it was my birthday on Monday. It was a quiet day for us. Thanks to everyone for the well wishes!

Such a big boy!

Jackson has gotten so good at using a spoon lately!

I do it me ownself.

I have finally faced the facts. I have a toddler. A toddler who wants to be independent. A toddler who is 'spirited', stubborn and somewhat short tempered. With us as his parents can we really expect any different?

Earlier this week I was getting frustrated with feeding Jackson. Every meal consisted of him screaming, craning his head away from the dreaded spoon in mommy's hand, clamping his mouth shut, and glaring at me. If I could manage to cram a spoonful into his mouth he would thoughtfully eat it, then start clapping and happily eat more. Until the next course, then the whole process started again. It was frustrating and irritating. After asking some other moms of toddlers for suggestions or insight I realized that all these dramatics were simply because he wanted to do it himself. He wasn't my little baby anymore who couldn't feed himself. He can and wants to do it himself.

So for the past few days I have been putting his food in his little plastic bowls and handing over his chubby little fork and spoon and watching him go to town. He's doing a remarkable job and makes only a slight mess. Luckily he hasn't started throwing his food on the floor yet (knock wood), and only occasionally runs his fork or spoon through his hair. At the suggestion of one of my friends, when he is wearing a long sleeve shirt then meal time become naked baby time too. But for the most part he ends up with a messy face and hands and that's it. But he certainly enjoys doing it! He is so proud of himself and enjoys the constant praise from mommy whenever he gets a big spoonful into his mouth, or when he successfully stabs something with his fork and gets it into his mouth.

He's getting to be such a big boy. Bittersweet.

Some great blogs.

There are a couple blogs that I read pretty regularly.

One, in particular, is about a mom of two kids and it's funny and sweet at the same time. My favorite post that she's done so far is this one: http://mom-101.blogspot.com/2008/08/truth-about-two.html

Another hilarious blog is: http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/ This one has me laughing every time I read it.

You should check them out. And let me know of any blogs you enjoy reading!

Our fantastic new soon-to-be double stroller!

Shortly after finding out that we were going to have another baby in December we started researching double strollers. There was no way I was going to buy one of those double wide or double long strollers! What a pain in the butt to push one of those in a store, on a sidewalk, through a doorway, not to mention folding one of those suckers up and cramming it into my car trunk! We would have had to buy a minivan just to transport our stroller.

Then I found the Phil and Ted's stroller. I fell in love with it. It is basically a single sport stroller that you can buy an additional 'jumper seat' for. The seat can either go onto the back of the stroller, or onto the top of the stroller. Without the jumper seat it is still the same size as a normal jogging stroller (actually smaller than our Zooper stroller). With the jumper seat on the back it is slightly longer. The only downside with this stroller is that it is more expensive than we could justify spending right now. Especially with my stroller addiction (although I think it is normal to own 3 different strollers, they each have their own function!).

Then while Brian's family was visiting us, Beth (Brian's grandma) surprised us and told us she would buy us our stroller!! Whoo Hoo!!!! So off to the kids store we went. They didn't have the jumper seat in stock right now so we have the single stroller and then when the second seat comes in they will give us a call. Not that we are in any hurry for it right now! This is a photo of the box the stroller came in (cracked us up!).


Of course the stroller required some assembly. ARGH!!! The instructions were ridiculous, they were mainly photos (but very hard to see photos) and the crappiest of worded descriptions! But we did get it figured out.

Once the stroller was all put together Jackson decided to have some fun with the boxes. Serves me right. I was just telling my 'fake friends' on the internet that Jackson has no interest in climbing. He has never tried to climb up on a couch or a chair. He's never attempted to climb up on something on the ground. Nothing. Until now.



Finally he can reach all of Mommy's books. Fantastic. And he will bring the boxes over there and pile them to reach the books. Smart little bugger!

Our trip up island

We got back yesterday afternoon from our trip to Comox. It was a great weekend! We got to our hotel at a good time, got all settled and then went into Courtenay for dinner.

Jackson woke up many many times through the night on Saturday night. It all started with just his normal waking up around 10pm and was pretty easy to get back to sleep. Then he woke up again around 11:15pm with a night terror. If you've never experienced a child with a night terror it is a horrible thing. He was doing this terrible frantic cry that just hurt your heart. There was nothing we could do to make it stop until we were finally able to fully wake him up. He acts like he is wide awake the whole time but he's actually still asleep. Once he was awake we took him out onto the balcony and he hung out with us for a few minutes, happy as a clam. Then he went back to sleep fairly easily. He did wake up a few more times through the night because he also got a cold. Doesn't it figure, go away for a little vacation and he gets a cold!!

On Sunday we drove up to Mount Washington. Brian and I have lived on Vancouver Island for 3 years and have never been to Mount Washington! It was only about half an hour from Courtenay/Comox and the drive was quite pretty. Once we got to the village we went for lunch and then took a chairlift to the top of the mountain. The lift took about 15 minutes and the view was spectacular. Jackson was not too sure what to think about the ride. He sat between Brian and I and I made sure we both had a hold of him (Brian thought I was being paranoid but I did not care!).

At the top of the mountain we hiked around a bit so that we could take in all the views. You could see all the island mountains, as well as some on the mainland. You could see all the other islands and the cities down below. It was really pretty.

Jackson loved being able to hike around and did NOT want to be carried at all! He's quite the little daredevil! Luckily the trails were fairly easy to navigate and somewhat groomed. He only fell and scraped up his lip once. It wouldn't be an adventure without a little blood!

On the chairlift ride back down Jackson decided he wasn't as fond of the journey. He was tired and a bit antsy so he kept trying to get onto Brian's lap, then my lap, then between us, and back again. It was a little nerve-wracking being up that high with a squirmy little toddler, but we all made it to solid ground.

After our trip to Mount Washington we headed back to Comox and went for a walk along a boardwalk. We saw fish, crabs and seals among the boats. Jackson didn't care about any of that, he just wanted to push his stroller along the boardwalk. Mr.Independent.

All in all it was a good trip. A fantastic way for Brian's family to end their visit (I hope it was at least!). They headed out today for the return leg of their journey. I hope they have a great drive!

Happy Birthday Tammy!!

Tomorrow we are going to be busy heading off on our trip up island so I'm taking this opportunity to wish Tammy a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW!!!

Tammy is one of my oldest friends (ha! And I don't mean because it's her birthday!). We met... WOW! 20 years ago!! She was in my grade 7 class and was one of my first friends when my family dragged me to Ontario from BC. I was determined not to make any friends because my parents told me (I should say 'lied to me') that if I didn't like it in Ontario we could move back. Despite my constant complaining and repeatedly saying "I'm stupid and I don't have any friends" to my parents I ended up making friends with Tammy. I think my parents still credit her for me finally accepting us staying in Ontario.

Our friendship has gone through many ups and a few downs, but always remained strong. We don't talk all that often and see each other about once a year, but I will always love her like a sister.

I hope you have a fantastic birthday Tam!! I love you!