Today was, or rather should have been, Benjamin's second birthday. He should have been turning TWO whole years. Can you believe that?? Two years have passed since we first held him in our arms. It was a bittersweet day today. For the most part it was a happy one, we were able to think of him happily. We spent the day as a family, all four of us together with Benjamin in our hearts and minds all day.
We started the day sleeping in and then relaxing around the house. Two years ago we were holding our sweet baby Benjamin during the moment of silence at 11am. This year I had just gotten out of the shower and made sure that Jackson turned the tv off and I held him during the moment of silence. Once it was done I went back into the bathroom to finish getting ready for the day. Then that song by Sarah McLachlan "I will remember you" came on the radio and that did me in. That was the first time today that I cried. I only needed a minute and then I was able to compose myself and continue on with the day.
We had to drive out to Saanich to pick something up and on the way drove through a beautiful provincial park. Jackson was convinced it was a 'deep dark woods' and insisted that we go there after we picked our stuff up. He had seen a playground in the park and wanted to play there. On our way back we missed the street that lead to the park so we drove out to another provincial park but by the time we got there it was raining, lol! So we ended up driving all over the park, looking at all the trees in the 'deep dark woods'.
After our drive we had to do some errands. Our last stop was Fairway Markets to pick up Benjamin's birthday cake. Last year we bought a cake from this store because it was convenient. This year I decided the cake had to be from the same store; the same cake exactly. So we stopped at the store, I went in to get the cake. They didn't have any. They had other cakes, but not a simple birthday cake. I went back out to the van and just made it inside when the tears came. I was devastated that they didn't have the right cake. As I was crying I was telling Brian how stupid it was, to be so upset about a cake. But I just couldn't help it. We ended up driving to another Fairway store but they also didn't have any birthday cakes. The third store had 3 cakes. One had huge walnuts all over it (Jackson would not eat them, Lexi can't eat them, and I don't like them), one had chocolate covered coffee beans on them (neither kid needs caffiene!) and the third had pinkish purple roses on them. LOL, none of the options was perfect but I ended up getting the baker to add lots of sprinkles to the rose cake. It turned out fairly gaudy and hideous, but it looked more like a two year old's birthday cake now! The baker asked me how old the kid was turning, she looked so happy and curious. I couldn't just say 'two' because I was still on edge from crying just a bit before that. So instead I managed to say 'he should be turning two' and then welling up. She apologized but I tried to assure her that it was okay (which it was, I wanted people to know that it should be his birthday today!). Then when I was paying for the cake the cashier asked me whose birthday it was. I swear, if it were Jackson or Lexi's birthday today no one would ask these questions! When you don't want questions you are bound to get them. So I told her that it was "my son's birthday, he should be turning two today". Then I added that we get a birthday cake for the family to celebrate his birthday. As I was leaving she told me to enjoy the cake. I liked that. She wasn't scared off by the talk of my child that had died, but rather acknowledged that it was a special day for us and to enjoy it any way we can. At least that's what I took from her innocent comment and kindness.
After our successful cake purchase we drove back home for dinner. The cake was delicious! We put two candles in it and had Jackson blow them out. Then Brian relit them and had Lexi try to blow them out (she just wanted to grab them, lol). Then we all dug into the cake! Like last year, we did not use any utensils and instead just used our fingers. Brian and I tried to get Jackson as messy as possible, which he thought was hysterical.
At one point I asked Jackson to tell Brian who Benjamin is. We'd been talking about him a lot lately so I wanted to know what he remembered and what he understood. He told Brian that Benjamin's 'body died in the hospital' and that he was his brother. I'm sure that right now it's just words for him and he doesn't truly understand it, but it's a start that makes me happy.
So all in all, it was a good day. A day with some tears, but mostly with happy thoughts. We miss him every day, especially this week, but we are touched by how much his little life affected people. We've been getting emails and messages all day from people saying things that they are doing today in his memory. There have been many good things done today because of Benjamin. Because he lived. And he continues to live on in so many people's hearts.
We love you honeybun. We always will.
xoxo
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