Mommy Guilt

I think the worst thing that comes along with being a parent is the guilt. No matter who you are, what you do, how many children you have, or even how well-adjusted you and your kids are you will have the dreaded Mommy Guilt.

It'll sneak up on you as soon as your child is born. Questions such as "Is s/he sleeping enough?" "Do I have her/him on a good schedule?" "Should s/he be on a schedule?" "Did I do something wrong and that's why s/he's not smiling yet?" "Am I warping him/her for life?". There is no way around this dreaded guilt. As a parent we want the very best for our kids. The best possible life they can have. The happiest child, the smartest child, the most coordinated child, the most polite child, the funnest child, the funniest child, the best child that ever graced the earth with his/her presence. In this quest for 'the best' we question every single decision we make when it comes to raising our children. Are they on target with their milestones? Are they behind? Are the other children more advanced in something than my child is? Have I done something wrong?

It makes no difference if you are a stay-at-home mom or a working-out-of-the-home mom. If you are a SAHM you take every thing to heart as it being your fault your child isn't doing something yet. The other kids are walking and my child isn't? Must be because I haven't been encouraging him enough? The other kids know all their colours and my child doesn't? Must be because I'm not teaching him well enough. If you are a WOHM then you have that special guilt that comes with being away from your child so much. That must be the reason that they aren't doing what other kids are. Because they feel neglected or because you chose a less than stellar daycare. If you had just been able to spend all day with them then they would be advanced. It's a lose-lose situation. No matter what you do you cannot avoid the mommy guilt.

I've had my share of Mommy Guilt. LOL, that is an understatement! I question everything. Deep down I know I am a great mom. I know Jackson is well-adjusted and happy and a joy. But damn those nagging questions! I am constantly, let me stress that, CONSTANTLY feeling as though something I am doing, have done, or eventually will do, is leading him the wrong way. For the most part I just try to ignore it. Try to remind myself that I will make mistakes, I am expected to make mistakes. As long as he's healthy and happy (for the most part) then it is good to make mistakes. That's right. It's good to make mistakes. It's been drilled into our heads our whole lives and we will drill it into our kid's heads too. Mistakes teach us things. We learn from our mistakes. We learn how not to do things or how to do things better. You forgot to bring a sweater for you child and he was cold? Good! Next time you will be that much more likely to remember. Your kid is still alive right? He didn't die of hypothermia, so it's all good. He's not going to remember that and need counseling because Mommy forgot his sweater.

And that brings me to a bit of a rant about Mommy Guilt. No wonder we all feel such guilt. It is a widespread belief that mother's cause all the problems in the world. I know it's mostly meant as a joke, but popular media portrays all psychological problems as stemming from how you were treated by your mother, what your mother did to mess you up. You need counseling? Must be because your mother made some mistakes with you and warped you in some way. I'm sure in some cases it is true, but what about fathers? Teachers? Friends? Siblings? Media? How about just how you view things? And not because that's how your mother taught you to view things, but because your views were shaped by a culmination of every influence on you!

So you may wonder what big mistake happened that caused me to blather on about Mommy Guilt. I spent Saturday at a friend's son's birthday party. This boy just turned two years old and I've known his mom since before the boys were born. We met at our prenatal class. At his party were two other families that were also in our prenatal class. So the four kids are all about the same age (ranging from the birthday boy down to a girl who is about 3 weeks younger than Jackson). All the other kids were speaking in sentences. Sentences of 5-7 words. Naming colours, carrying on conversations! The Mommy Guilt arrived at the party well before the presents were opened or the candles were blown out. As I listened to these little toddlers saying sentences such as "I want to ride the car Mommy", and then listened to my sweet boy say "buh" as he looks at a balloon the unmistakable dread of Mommy Guilt settled in for the day. Have I not been teaching him things? Am I not talking to him enough? Do I not stimulate his mind enough? What am I doing wrong?

I know he's slow on his speech. He always has been. He was the first of his friends to walk. The first to run. He's been very advanced physically (walked at about 10 months). I know he comprehends speech, he'll follow any command. He's got a ton of words, but they are all half words, or words that only we know. It's always been a nagging concern, but I've always managed to convince myself that he's just on the low end of the 'normal' spectrum. After this party my conviction was wavering. How can he be considered 'normal' when he is so far behind the other kids? I know girls get speech quicker, and I know that the birthday boy has always been advanced verbally. And I know that at playgroup with other kids his age he is right around where all the other kids are. I know that when I obsessively google speech developement for a 23 month old he fits all the milestones (granted the basic minimum, but still he fits them). But damn that Mommy Guilt!

Anyone know of any way to just ignore the Mommy Guilt beast and just continue on with the knowledge that I really am a fantastic parent? Ignore the nagging concerns and the pesky comparisons and 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'? Cuz if any of you know the answers to this I'd love to hear your take!