Letting the cat out of the bag.

So I've had a secret for a while. I have slowly started telling people over the past few weeks. I am at the point now where I feel comfortable, and feel the need, to let everyone I know know my secret. At first I was worried how people would take the news. I was worried of their reactions, and worried some people might have negative reactions. So far we have had nothing but good reactions. So here goes...

I am pregnant. Thirteen weeks pregnant to be exact. My due date is October 9th, three days after my birthday. I am excited, scared, anxious, happy, and... well... basically every feeling you can imagine I think I have felt or continue to feel. I got pregnant our first month of trying. Never in a million years did we think it would happen so easily for us. I was shocked when I did a home test and it was positive. Immediately I had conflicting feelings of joy and devastation. I wrote this the day after I got my positive result:

"Immediately I was happy. So happy I could barely contain it. Then in an instant I was terrified and sad. Tears started streaming down my face. I’m not sure why I was so sad. Terrified I can understand, but sad? Sad for Benjamin, sad for the loss of my innocence over this pregnancy. I would not be the happy expectant mom. I wouldn’t look to the future with excitement and plans. Right away I knew that the next 9 months would be filled with anxiety, fear and heartache over what should have been. When I called Brian to tell him he was so excited. I could hear it in his voice. He was surprised and just so happy."

So now, 2 months after that day I no longer feel sadness over this pregnancy. I still feel sadness over the loss of what should have been, but I am starting to allow myself to feel some excitement over what can be. I cannot bring myself to say 'what will be'. That feels like I am tempting things; that as soon as I believe that this baby will be born alive and healthy then the rug will be pulled out from under me again. But it is getting easier to think more positively; that this baby should be born alive and the chances of having another baby die is not greater than the chances of having this baby live. That's the best I can do. It's hard to put any faith in statistics when you have already been on the losing end of a remote chance.

I've met with my doctor a few times already and he sent me for all my normal prenatal blood work. While I was in his office his receptionist was able to track down the pathologist that did Benjamin's autopsy. How's that for an emotional appointment? Meeting with your doctor to discuss this brand new pregnancy and also to discuss the autopsy findings on your stillborn son. Needless to say I was an emotional wreck through some of it.The pathologist told my doctor that Benjamin's left lung had clotted off. This is what caused his death. My doctor sent me for blood work to check for blood clotting disorders. He also sent us for a referral to a genetic counselor.

The genetic counselor called me a few days later and managed to get me an appointment with a high risk OB. We met with him a week ago. He had the autopsy report by then and was able to go over it with us. It turns out Benjamin had blood clots in his umbilical cord as well as his lung. They believe one of the clots travelled from his cord into his lung. The OB believes that, for some reason, Benjamin had thicker blood than normal and that is why his blood clotted in his cord. Apparently babies often compress their cord while in the womb, but as soon as their heart rate slows down from the compression they move. He believes Benjamin didn't move when he should have, and this combined with the thicker blood caused his blood to clot

The high risk OB sent me for more blood work to check for blood clotting issues. The first round of testing I had done only checked for 70-75% of disorders. This panel checks for 90-95%. So all in all I have had 22 vials of blood taken. We don't have the results from this new round of tests, but the first round have all come back normal. I am also on a daily low-dose of aspirin. Aspirin crosses the placenta so this is to help keep the baby's blood as thin as it should be. If any of the blood work comes back abnormal then I might have to be put on heparin. Heparin does not cross the placenta and it is to thin my blood. That way there shouldn't be any blood clots on my side of the placenta. Trust me, I didn't want to know all this blood mumbojumbo either!

So far we have had one ultrasound to check that the dates are correct. There is a good chance that they will induce me around 37 weeks (instead of the normal 40 weeks) just to be safe, so it is very important that my due date is accurate. I was a nervous wreck at the ultrasound. I was so positive they were going to tell me that the baby had no heartbeat. Luckily it was beating away. Didn't much look like a baby at that point, just looked like a blob. But it was our blob. And it had a heartbeat.

So now that the cat is out of the bag I will continue to post on here with my updates as this anxious journey continues. To answer the questions we normally get I will end with this.

1. We are NOT finding out the sex. No amount of convincing, bribing, threatening, sweet talk, or insults will convince Brian otherwise. Trust me, I've tried. If it were just up to me I... well... I probably wouldn't find out either. Although with the number of ultrasounds I will most likely be getting there is a good chance that one of the ultrasound technicians will make a mistake and tell me. Right? I can hope, can't I?

2. Yes, we are anxious and scared. Mostly me. Brian seems to be more optomistic about this pregnancy. We bought a used doppler so that we can hear the heart beat any time we want. I still can't find it yet tho, it's still too early. But we are also happy and getting excited. Cautiously excited.

3. I am seeing a doctor this time. My midwife is retiring at the end of September so I was unable to see her again. But I really like my doctor and he seems pretty on the ball, so I'm happy with this. I am also seeing a high risk OB, but I'm not sure what role he is really going to play; not sure how much I'll be seeing him.

4. I do not feel it is too early. When we met with the high risk OB he implied that it was too early. He told us that the majority of couples that get pregnant quickly after losing a baby end up divorcing. Seriously, the stat is actually that 50-80% of couples that lose a baby end up divorcing, and then the added stress of another pregnancy increases those numbers. Wow! But we aren't worried. Losing Benjamin has made us stronger together.

5. This pregnancy, like all my pregnancies, has been good so far. Not much morning sickness or any of those nasty side effects. I actually am able to forget that I am pregnant some days!

So that's my secret.