Mommyhood

Jackson is so helpful showing Lexi how her toys work

I love being a mom. I really do love it. I don't care that I don't sleep at night. That my shirt currently has snot and slobber on it. That I haven't eaten a proper meal today because I've been too busy feeding my kids, running them to play groups, trying to make them have a much needed nap, making sure the little one has tummy time, making sure the big one does something educational (a puzzle can be considered educational right?). I would gladly give up my earlier days of sleeping in until noon on the weekends, going out to dinner and movies, watching a tv show from start to finish in one sitting, doing whatever I want whenever I want. I would gladly trade it all in for the joy of these little people being my children. Watching them grow up, watching them learn new things, experience new joys, even watch them figure out ways to cope with new heartaches and pains. It is true that motherhood changes your life in ways you would never imagine. I never thought I could love so deeply, so raw and primal. I never thought I could ache so bad for something I never fully had. I never thought just seeing a little boy smile and give me a kiss could make my whole body melt. I never thought feeling a tiny little hand grip my finger so fiercely could make my heart skip a beat. And yet this is my life. And I do love it.

Sure we don't have the money we used to have. We don't have the free time we used to have. Our house is littered with toys and blankies and books. Our cd player is stocked with family friendly music. The DVD player in our bedroom is fully loaded with Pocoyo, Bob the Builder and Mickey Mouse movies. Our vehicles have miscellaneous toys, books, diapers (clean!) and small coats strewn about them. Our garage is full of Little Tykes cars, strollers, water tables and sand box toys. Quite often we remark that it looks like a toy store barfed in our house. It really gets that bad. But it's my life. And I do love it.

Today we went to play group. This is a group we go to twice a week and have for about a year now. Jackson has a couple friends there that he gets excited to see. I have a couple friends there that I get excited to see. We got there today and it was a small group, not many people made it out. But the little kids that Jackson plays with the most were there and he was so happy. Lexi was also happy the whole time because all she needed was mommy holding her and feeding her, so easy to please at this stage. Near the end of the group someone noticed that Jackson's bum was wet, like he had sat in water. I realized that he had not sat in water, but instead his diaper had leaked. Could have been from the sippy of juice and the sippy of water he had that morning. Plus the half a cup of water he had just had at snack at play group. He did not care that his pants were wet or that everyone was talking about it. He didn't care that he was wet with his own pee. He just wanted to run around the room and play. I had to take him to the bathroom and change him. But in my newly mommy-of-two mode I had not restocked the diaper bag from the weekend. I did not have a clean diaper for him. We had to leave play group with a soggy diaper and pants. I felt bad for him. He didn't care, it didn't phase him in the slightest. But I felt bad, I felt like a frazzled new mommy who just wasn't cutting it at the moment. But this is my life. And I do love it.

Lexi is a month old. For the three weeks that we have been home from the hospital she has slept in our room. We did this with Jackson too. He slept in his bassinet beside our bed for the first 3 months of his life. Nice and close for the constant feedings through the night. We plan to do the same with Lexi. The main difference so far is that Lexi will not sleep for longer than 30 minutes in her bassinet. We have resorted to bringing her swing in our bedroom and trying to get her to sleep in there at night. No go. We've tried bringing her car seat in our room and getting her to sleep in there at night. Also no go. We've tried her on her back, on her side, on her belly in her bassinet. We've tried her swaddled, not swaddled, in her sleep sac, out of her sleep sac, covered with a blanket, not covered. The only way she will consistently sleep for longer than 30 minutes is in our bed wrapped in my arms. Then she will sleep for 3-4 hour stretches. Am I sleeping well? Not really. I can't stretch out like I'd like. I can't roll over whenever I want. I can't sleep on my stomach. But I do get to cuddle with my beautiful baby girl all night. Eventually she'll learn to sleep in her own bed. But until then this is my life. And I do love it.

Soon enough Jackson will be in school. Away from mommy every day for hours on end. Then soon after that Lexi will also be in school. Maybe at that point we'll have more little ones at home to fill the silence. But even those kids will go off to school too. I know I'll look back on all these days with fond longing. All the sleepless nights. The constant feedings. The early morning cartoons playing in my room while I desperately try to get just a few more minutes of sleep with a toddler poking me and demanding my attention. The toys all over our house. The play dates and play groups filling my days. At that point we'll be on to new discoveries and new worries. And we will adjust. Our lives will change and I know one thing will remain true. I will love it. As long as I still have my little family my life will be perfect. Snot and slobber stained clothes and all.

This is Lexi at exactly one month. I am going to take photos of her every month in this chair (or in her car seat, I haven't decided yet) and with this elephant. Then we'll be able to see her changes over the first twelve months of her life. I did this with Jackson too.

This is Jackson's old infant car seat. We brought this one to the hospital to take Lexi home in and ended up having to use the hospital's loaner car seat because she was too small for this one! We have borrowed a friend's car seat and Lexi is almost big enough to be able to use this one. Who would have thought we would have a baby that is too small for an infant car seat!